Feb
18
I remember your tiny mouth of striking, rose red
Scarlet, pursed to mask the ever-present semblance of a grin
Green gothic eyes intensely gazed, intent upon your
Target, black hair painted a frame about your face
Your dagger sharp tongue, wielded with skill and precision
Devious and deadly it protected
You, yet still I saw your soft center, hidden deep and kept
Carefully protected, I could feel you long for comfort
That night you held my hand and slept upon my lap
I sat and listened to you breathe
This one left me wanting more than just a nap at the ending, it built quite well and for me the crescendo was just a tad bit lacking, now that doesnt make it a bad poem in fact i believe its quite good. again, methodology differs from poet to poet. this piece IMO took the safe ending, where it could have easily gone to something more on the erotic side, or on more of the side of further discovery and or reflection upon yourself and her… dont taker my rambling as anything negative. not my intent,
There is so much you could do with this one, this is a great base for a short story, a longer poem, or anything you choose to make it. I love it, the short simple version, and i also agree with the above commenter with the safe ending, but sometimes it is a necessity. Great write overall!
Carl,
I loved this!
Maybe it’s just because I’m a Mom, but when I read this I saw you holding a baby- most likely your own.
There is NO way I would have wanted an “erotic” ending.
Keep going, ’son’, it was a terrific image.
This poem is neat. Very nice imagery worked into the rhythm and form. I also liked it because it threw me off course a bit…a bit riddling. At first, I thought: Oh, he’s actually talking about a cat. Then, the “hand” didn’t fit. So…a woman, indeed.
And I’ll be the odd one out. I like the strangeness of the ending. For me, anything else could have too easily fallen into cliche. That she simply, inexplicably fell asleep in his lap struck me as wonderfully bizarre. Was she plastered?
I’m glad you got that out of it, Tim. To me, it was precisely the fact that she was sleeping that made it interesting. I think I could have taken it in another direction and tried to let it stand on the imagery alone, but there was just something compelling to me about ending it like this. I find a particular charm in innocence, and here I wanted to bring out the incongruity of that innocence to underline that charm. But, I’ve always said that the author’s intent is irrelevant once a piece is left for posterity. So, either it works or it doesn’t. I’m glad it worked for you.